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User talk:TiddlestheThird
EmpyrealInvective (talk) 12:59, April 29, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 13:37, April 29, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story Quite a lot of the issue was in the story, similar to your previous one that had quite a bit of punctuation, capitalization, wording, run-on sentences, etc, "Hook Up the Hooker"' also falls victim to a lot of similar issues. Although there aren't as many present in the latter, there are still quite a lot of problems here. Starting with the mechanical issues: there are a lot of fragmented sentences here. "That was why.", "She trusted me.", "I was frozen.(,) Stumped as to how I could make such a critical oversight.", "But all was not right.", etc. A few fragmented sentences do a good job of making a story seem disjointed, overuse of fragmented sentences gives a story an unfinished/rushed feeling to it. Wording: Run-on sentences. "I agree and tell her no price is too high for someone so beautiful, this was the right thing to say naturally, I always say the right things, her shy smile turns into a smile of understanding, she is starting to see that I am perfection, she knows me better now, she trusted me." As you have a tendency to do this in your stories, I would suggest reading the story aloud to yourself to catch instances where a sentence is overly complex/running on. You also change from the feminine pronouns to gender neutral without much reason. The story is being told in past tense so the protagonist already knows their 'identity' in the story. Punctuation issues: Rhetorical questions still need question marks: "can I show her perfection.(?)", "Can I tie her up and make her shiver all over.(?)", "How could she have been so ignorant to the truth.(?)" Apostrophes missing from possessive words. "in touch with societies (society's, as you are using it in reference to a singular) standards I was." Story issues: "I express to them as their expression changes to fear" Besides the redundancy of using variants of express, you should also shift to a multiple person pronoun. As it's a single person, you really should be using her (or 'it' as you do later on). Towards the end of the story, the girl is left bound-up in the cupboard, which leaves me wondering why she isn't trying to call for help? The protagonist is seemingly writing all of this after the fact while she's still tied up and it seems pretty clear that they are unstable. Story issues: cont.: "I tell her what she is. “You think you’re a demon? you (You) think you can deceive me? I express to them as their expression changes to fear” This has quite a few issues. The protagonist is 'declaring who she is', why use words like 'You think you are a demon?'. The second sentence is fine as it's a rhetorical question. The question mark in the first makes it seem like it is also a rhetorical question which doesn't really follow after a line like 'I tell her what she is.'. Then there's the ending: "Now you tell me I’m a monster? Look at yourselves. Who’s the real monster?" The ending also needs quite a bit of work. If you're going to end it like that, you have to give some of the protagonist's insight into why he thinks society is the monster. Not delving into that (after he goes to great lengths to give us a look into his mindset through-out the story) really makes the story feel rushed. There are some other issues here, but these were the ones that jumped out to me as I was reading it. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 13:37, April 29, 2016 (UTC) :The thing about writing from a delusional person's perspective is that you have to really give insight into their feelings/outlooks otherwise it really doesn't work. As for the gender switch, the story is being told in past tense so the protagonist already knows their 'identity' in the story. It comes off as odd that they would make that switch as all of this is written after the fact ("She was too flawed") and the character isn't the one that changes, but the protagonist's perception of her. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 13:53, April 29, 2016 (UTC) ::"Delusion is Reality" has a lot of the same mechanical issues (run-on sentences ("After a while of this, he started telling me and my mum about a big house he was renting for a party for the week, just a few hours away from where we lived, my mum knew many people who would be going there, me and him carried on the chat soon after as he came up to my room before he went back home and he mentioned to me that he knew I had gotten into and tried shrooms recently, so he wanted to know if I would like to try acid at that party we’d already confirmed I’d be going to as well)", apostrophes missing from possessive words and conjunctions (“Let(')s get back into it", fragmented sentences, etc) that were present/outlined above. ::Additionally there are a lot more capitalization (words improperly capitalized ("giggling at his side, He asks if anyone wants a bomb/ "test? experiment? game?")" and punctuation errors (commas/colons missing before dialogue ("says(,) “He’s going to see a light in the corner of his eye(,)" punctuation missing from sentences ("Craig’s wife spurting out “MDMA Chicken, MDMA spudds, MDMA Gravy”"), etc.) There are a lot of issues present in here, I don't know if that's due to the length, put I would strongly suggest proof-reading stories that are longer. I can provide a copy if you want to review it. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 14:16, April 29, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story Punctuation: Punctuation missing before dialogue/in dialogue "one last sentence(:) “Yeah, I’d really like to take acid with you.”", "he said was(,) “This babbling idiot can’t be worse than me!!”", "he says(,) “He’s going to see a light in the corner of his eye(,)” In (in) a calm,", "I looked at him and said(,) “You’re a pompous piece of shit", etc. Punctuation missing from sentences where a pause/sentence break is implied. "Sam was(,) I believe both due to old age and long term association with drugs(,) a bit odd", "Sure(,) why not", "Then as he says it, ("/'"I see the light("/'")", "thinking if it won’t be as bad as last night(;) I will be fine.", “don’t do that(,) you look stupid”, etc. Punctuation missing from sentences: "a colourful pattern on the middle with the words “Gifted Children Foundation”(.)", "he would say “That’s better, good” It seemed", etc. Apostrophes missing from possessive words/conjunctions: "Let(')s fast forward", "each other(')s hands", "“Let(')s get back into it,", "Craig(')s wife", "no one(')s even speaking.", etc. Capitalization: "you.” his tone changed a bit", "great right? a (A) slightly shady", "talking in the usual Philosophical (philosophical) way", " this… test? experiment(Experiment)? game (Game)?", "Is this Delusion (delusion)?", "so normal? why didn’t I hear a single weird thing that happened involving them?", "exist? these stupid yet at the time very concerning questions went through my head.." etc. Wording: The fragmented sentences are back here as well. "the acid? maybe (Maybe).", "Making me feel relieved.", "It did.", "Maybe.", "So.", etc. "how there was (were) NO happy moment after this point" Redundancies: "I’ve been tripping multiple times in a short time", "it got more annoying than scary, but it was still scary as hell.", etc. Avoid re-using words in the same sentences as it can become repetitive. Awkward wording: "Soon later it was just Phil and Sam in the room together with me", "We got into the car, the person I told to speak to Phil was in it too", etc. I would strongly suggest reading your stories aloud to catch instances of clunky/awkward wording. “Their (They're) going to kill me.”, "They all deserve the life I have, and, if their (they're) clever enough the gifts I have", etc. Run-on sentences: " I grew up like anyone else, typical school life, my fair share of troubles and happy events but none of that matters, the only thing that has been on my mind recently is the past year of my life, it was so eventful and.. strange that everything before it seems almost unreal, I think back to my past and none of it felt like it was me living it.", "Now Craig used to come around the house a lot to talk to my mum and stepdad, I knew he had a strange life based around drugs and parties and was quite well known in the community for that reason, but aside from that he seemed like a normal, if not a bit erratic person so I started chatting to him a bit when he would visit, the more I spoke to him the more interesting he seemed, almost entrancing in how he could speak and speak about the most mundane of topics and still make you feel as if it was an amazing, gripping story he was telling.", "After a while of this, he started telling me and my mum about a big house he was renting for a party for the week, just a few hours away from where we lived, my mum knew many people who would be going there, me and him carried on the chat soon after as he came up to my room before he went back home and he mentioned to me that he knew I had gotten into and tried shrooms recently, so he wanted to know if I would like to try acid at that party we’d already confirmed I’d be going to as well.", etc. There are a lot of these, I counted at least ten other instances of run-on/overly complex sentences. Story issues: Once again, the narrator/protagonist is writing all of this after the fact. Really putting these issues under the umbrella of, he's under the influence of narcotics, really starts to break the effect. "Fuck. Oh Fuck. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck." While I realize it's being done for effect, it still feels off to include reactions during the time he's writing it rather than from when he was experiencing it. One sentence paragraphs are great for delivering a punch, but should be reserved for climactic events. "I passed out. (new paragraph) I fell straight onto the floor. (new paragraph) I woke up in bed..", "Maybe. (new paragraph) But.. I was fine around everyone before this", "So. (new paragraph) That must mean that either I broke.", "Oh I notice, I know. (new paragraph) Everything.", etc. Story issues cont.: There are a number of times in the story where you mention something that would be much better if you elaborated more on it. Here are a few examples: "the only real life thing I can relate it to is MK Ultra experiments," If you went into detail about what similarities there were, this would be a stronger example/allusion. "Instead he carefully pulls it from between two tabs either side, this was a clear sign that something wasn’t right but due to the situation I thought nothing of it." Why did this concern the protagonist? What does he think is happening at the time? Answering questions like these really build up audience involvement in the story and make it more suspenseful. Story issues final: So the protagonist is in that situation where he's repeatedly dosed and is clearly not enjoying himself, why isn't he trying to get out? He could call his mom or a friend to pick him up. Even if he's just waiting for it to be over, that should be referenced to eliminate readers from thinking that. While I enjoyed the feeling of indoctrination throughout the story, I would have liked it to have a bit more of a climactic/focused end. Why were they dosing him? Was in a Manson family situation, and they were getting him ready for a bit of the old ultra-violence? Having all that focus and ending on this note: "Am I demented? Am I a victim? Am I delusional? Am I a God?" feels anticlimactic and disappointing. Final conclusion: While I enjoyed this one more than the previous one, there were still issues present. There was also some bleed-over from stories that felt a bit unjustified. "Emily was a face I once trusted. she was a demon in human skin." There needed to be a bit more focus here to make it more involving towards the end. There are quite a lot of issues here, but I think this one is much more promising of a premise when compared to the other. I hope that helps, I should also note that the writer's workshop is a good place to get feedback before uploading a story (where it could be compared to our quality standards and removed. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 15:27, April 29, 2016 (UTC)